The Patronus
by shakespeare's sister
Summary: A story about Snape's inability to cast a Patronus, set towards the end of the first war. This deficiency worries Remus Lupin, who takes steps to remedy it.
1. Chapter 1

**The Patronus**

A story set in the period between Snape's defection to the Order of the Phoenix and the end of the first war, starring characters who don't belong to me in situations that were never envisaged by their author. I have nearly finished writing this but I'm editing it a bit rather than posting as I go as the mistakes in some of my other stories drive me round the bend. Now I've said that I'll find it's full of typos. It's rate M because it's a little bit sweary here and there.

* * *

The Dementors were closing in, circling their prey as they sucked every positive thought from their minds. The two trapped in their deadly circle felt as though the very air in their lungs was turning to ice as any thought they treasured was slowly torn from them.

Remus raised his wand, and concentrated hard.

'_Expecto patronum_!' he cried, and the great silver wolf burst from the end of his wand. It prowled around, knocking back Dementors, but there were so very many of them and the Patronus could not hold them back for long.

'Severus,' he said breathlessly, 'just try!'

'I can't do it,' Snape said wretchedly.

'Try! Please!'

Severus raised his wand and said the words, but nary a puff of silver emerged and he groaned.

'I _can't_!'

Remus's wolf was fading and the Dementors were surging forward once more.

'_Expecto patronum_,' Remus repeated. The wolf brightened again and the Dementors were knocked back once more. 'We're going to have to run for it.'

Together they raced towards the Hogwarts boundary. Lungs burning, they hurtled past the trees scattered in their path, sensing rather than seeing or hearing the Dementors' pursuit.

At last, they were there, out of the valley. Snape took Remus's arm and turned on the spot, and instantly they were outside the Order's headquarters in darkest Dorset.

They stood there panting, Remus bent double and coughing.

'You ought to stop smoking,' Snape told him with a smug air.

Remus coughed in response.

Opening the door, they stepped into the silent hall.

'No one is here,' Severus said, and it was true. The house had a still air it never held when Order members were present.

'You need to learn to cast a Patronus,' Remus told him. 'There were too many Dementors to hold them back with just one.'

'You seem to imagine that I do not realise that,' Severus told him stiffly.

'I'm sorry,' Remus said instantly. He thought for a second and had an idea. 'Why don't I teach you?'

'_You_? Teach _me_?'

'Well, I can do them,' Remus said mildly, though Snape's tone had been cutting.

'You seem to be under the impression that I am incapable of mastering a fairly simple spell,' Snape said furiously.

'I didn't say that at all, and I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to offend you.'

'But you did,' snapped Snape. 'Though who could expect a _werewolf_ to muster any sort of tact?'

'Tact?' Remus repeated thoughtfully.

'Why do you think I cannot conjure a Patronus, wolf?'

'I don't know… that's why I offered to help. There is absolutely no need,' Remus said evenly, 'to abuse me. I was trying to help you with a spell which could save your life.'

Cursing the patience of _that bloody werewolf_ which always managed to make him feel like a child having a tantrum, Snape decided to give in. Being Snape, however, it was not overly gracefully.

'If you want to give up your free time trying to teach me a spell which I've told you I cannot perform, then you can,' he said.

Remus fought the urge to shout at him and won. In his twenty-three years, he had had a faster and more critical tuition in curbing his tongue than his peers.

'Perhaps we should start now?' he suggested. 'The house isn't this quiet very often.'

Snape made a noise which could be taken for agreement.

'Now, what would be best for you to practise on?' Remus pondered. 'I'll think on that, and perhaps come up with something for next time, and for now we can concentrate on the spell.'

He took out his wand and held it out in front of him.

'We'll say that wardrobe is a Dementor, eh? So, it's this movement – do you want to copy? – and the words _expecto patronum_. When you say them, move your wand like this -' he demonstrated. '_Expecto patronum_!'

The wolf once more materialised from the end of his wand and prowled about the room as if disappointed that there were no Dementors to fight.

'So, do you want a go?'

Snape shrugged, and sulkily raised his wand.

'_Expecto patronum_.'

Nothing.

'I'm sorry, I forgot the most important part,' Remus said, shaking his head. 'It's the thought. You have to think of a time you were really happy.'

'I am well aware of that.'

'So wha - oh. Oh.'

'The penny drops,' Snape said sourly.

'Oh Severus,' Remus said, his face such a difficult mix of self-laceration and sympathy that Snape would have been amused at this struggle if he had not been so angry. 'I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry.'

In his distress, he had laid a hand on Snape's arm, and it was shaken off impatiently.

'Don't 'oh Severus' me, werewolf.'

He stuck his wand violently in his pocket and stalked from the room.

Remus was left to feel remorseful. He knew that Severus had had an unhappy childhood – he wasn't sure how he knew, Snape was a close-mouthed young man, but he knew with a certainty that surprised him somewhat – but he had thought that perhaps at school…

'Perhaps what?' he said aloud. 'We were awful to him. People left him alone because of what we'd do to them.'

He clenched his hands into tight fists and felt so guilty that his stomach churned. He could not imagine how full of hate Severus must have been to join Voldemort. He hated the feeling of responsibility he carried for that, that Snape had been damaged so much whilst he and his friends had escaped more or less unscathed. When Snape lashed out at him, sometimes he felt absurdly grateful as though he received some well-deserved punishment that only Severus Snape could mete out satisfactorily.

He hated the werewolf cracks to be sure, but then his lupine alter ego had once nearly torn Snape to shreds. He felt he was still paying reparations for that near miss. Sometimes he wondered if Snape realised that; whether he was only a bastard to make sure he, Remus, received his meet penalty. He wondered if Snape even knew how much he hurt him.

Sometimes, in his head, Remus would decide _no, Severus doesn't know_, and he would reiterate the reasons as to why he behaved the way he did. Then he would realise what he was doing, and wonder why, and get confused in his thoughts.

And so, alone in the room, Remus was making his usual excuses for Snape's touchiness. He was blaming himself for the lack of tact in pushing the Patronus issue and for all the things he and his friends had done before and he could no longer bear it.

Not stopping to think any more, he strode out into the hall, calling 'Severus!' as he searched the rooms. Snape did not answer, but eventually he found him in the upstairs library.

'Severus,' Remus said hesitantly. 'I'm sorry for being so stupid.'

'Why did you persist in pursuing a topic of conversation which was clearly uncongenial to me?' demanded Snape, not looking up from his work.

'Because I thought if Dementors ever came while you were on your own then you would get – hurt,' Remus said, a little pink.

'Oh, the werewolf's showing his concern. How touching,' sneered Snape, throwing a book down carelessly on a desk, and Remus flushed hot with misery.

'I just wanted to see you safe,' he said softly.

'You might want everyone else to think you're some sort of saint, but I know you're a monster, so you need not pretend to be anything else when you are with me!'

There was an awkward silence, Severus wondering if perhaps, this time, he had gone far enough to hurt Remus so much that he would fight back.

'Why does it bother you when I say I want you to be safe? We're on the same side; of course I want you to look after yourself!'

'Why do you persist in being so civil to me? I obviously want you to leave me alone. I hate the sight of you, and I don't want to hear any more. I want you to _fuck off_.'

Remus bit his tongue, bowed his head and left the room. He must have found some corner to hide in, because ten minutes later when some other Order members returned, Snape did not hear them greet Remus. He listened for a couple of minutes but then heard someone coming up the stairs so he closed the door and locked it with two casual swoops of his wand.

* * *

Later, the rest of the Order of the Phoenix noticed Remus's face and his distracted air, and they noted the absence of Snape. He was blamed for the werewolf's condition – many of them felt it quite likely that he had managed to upset Remus while out on the mission.

He was a popular individual, in a quiet sort of way, and he seemed so downcast that those who returned paid special attention to him, telling him the whereabouts of the other members not present, telling him jokes in the hope of making him laugh, asking him if he wanted cups of tea.

Sirius petted Remus too, a little, but he hated Snape and so could not hold his tongue for long.

'What's Snivellus been doing to you, then?' he asked, roughness concealing his concern.

And Remus, who told himself he did not wish to stir up discord amongst the Order, answered back 'Nothing.' What else could he say? Everyone knew how much Sirius loathed Snape, and he had proven many times he was capable of thoughtless acts.

Sirius tutted a bit, gave Remus a hug and a vigorous hair-ruffling and then talked about something else (his latest love affair, a motorbike-riding Healer with, apparently, a figure like an hourglass).

Remus relaxed into the conversation, barely paying it any attention, just nodding now and then. He was still thinking about Snape.

He had not realised just how far off his daydreams had taken him until he realised Sirius was poking him in the ribs.

'Hey!' he said indignantly.

'Hey nothing,' retorted Sirius. 'You've been sitting there with a soppy great grin on your face for at least ten minutes. What on earth are you thinking about?'

'Not a lot,' Remus said vaguely. 'I'm just tired. So what did I miss?'

'I'm more interested in what you were thinking about,' Sirius persisted.

'Well then, it would appear we're at a stalemate,' Remus told him. 'I wasn't thinking about anything.' An inopportune blush belied his words, and Sirius looked narrowly at him.

'Rest assured I'll find out if there's anything going on.'

Remus smiled resignedly. 'I'm sure you would, if there was anything.'

Remus's friends knew, and were resigned to, his terminal daydreaming. They had always teased him about it, asking him what on earth was so very fascinating, and Remus would always laugh and refuse to answer. It had been the trigger for his risibly appropriate nickname; one holiday, James's mother had described him so. She had regretted it bitterly when she had seen the look on Remus's face, but the boys, 13 and careless, had not seemed to notice.

_Still, even Remus isn't usually that damned moony_, Sirius reflected and resolved to keep an eye on his friend.

'Cup of tea and a cigarette by the river?' he proposed, and was rewarded by a beatific smile.


	2. Chapter 2

About a week later, the members of the Order of the Phoenix not out on "business", as they euphemistically referred to their work, had congregated in the garden of the house for something of a gathering. It could not be called a party, but it was a way of trying to hang on to a semblance of normality, and so their leaders did not object (excluding, of course, Mad-Eye Moody, who would make a terrible fuss about anything that might be fun before coming along, getting dreadfully drunk and regaling a shocked audience with his fruitiest anecdotes).

Quite a few glasses of wine and innumerable cigarettes into the night, Remus was feeling bold. His friends were otherwise occupied and he thought they would not notice his absence. And so, he chose a clean and unchipped glass and filled it, along with his own glass. He noticed his hand was somewhat unsteady, which amused him.

He knew that sooner or later he would be missed, but he had something else on his mind.

He walked up the stairs, an awful lot of concentration being required to keep the wine in the glasses. It was easier to carry them once he had reached the top of the stairs, but now he didn't know where to go. He looked about a bit, lost his balance slightly but held it together, and decided to start looking in all the rooms.

One room held a scantily clad couple taking advantage of the wartime spirit, and he backed out hurriedly. The rest were empty. He sighed and looked at the daunting attic stairs – wooden, creaky, narrow and steep.

'Are we really that awful, that you have to go all the way up here to avoid us?' he said, and hiccoughed.

The stairs were every bit as difficult as they looked to an inebriated werewolf. He had to stop halfway up and take a slug out of each glass to ensure he did not cover himself with wine.

Eventually, though, they were conquered, and he knocked on the door.

'Go away!' said an irate voice.

'No,' Remus said, hiccoughed again and then giggled.

The door flew open and Severus Snape stood before him. His hands were inky and his eyes were clouded with fatigue.

'What the fuck,' he demanded, 'are you up here bothering me for?'

'Well, I brought you a glass of wine,' Remus said, and thrust the item in his direction. Unfortunately, owing to impaired spatial awareness, it hit Severus's chest and slopped a bit on his robes. 'Lucky they're black,' he said thoughtfully. 'Red wine is a bugger to get out.'

'In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a wizard, not a laundrette,' Severus snapped, 'and I don't want to be pestered by anyone, let alone you. You are drunk!'

'I just thought,' Remus enunciated his words carefully, 'that you might be, er, thirsty.' He had been going to say _lonely_, or _tired_, but Snape never admitted to weakness if he could possibly help it. 'I'll leave you alone,' he continued, somewhat hurt.

Snape looked down at the glass in his hand.

'I'm surprised anyone noticed that I was not present.'

Remus sipped at his wine. 'I think people have given up asking you to join us, because you always say no… and you don't say it very politely.'

Snape's temper flared. 'They don't want me, of course! They don't trust me, and why would they? And besides, why on earth would I want to go and socialise with them? What have they to say that I want to hear?'

'They're very nice,' Remus said mildly. 'Well, mostly.'

'Even if that were true, which I do not concede, why would I waste my time on them when we'll all be dead sooner or later?'

'Oh but Severus, if you think about it that way, you'd never get to know anybody! We're all going to die. Even you.'

'Don't tell me you've imbibed enough to become maudlin, werewolf.'

'I wish,' Remus said with the over-steadiness of someone drunk concentrating very hard, 'that you wouldn't call me that.'

Severus looked as though he would say something impatient and cutting back to that, but surprisingly he did not. He contented himself instead with taking a drink.

'Aren't you going to tell me you'll call me whatever you damn well like?'

'No.'

'Oh. Good. Do you want to come downstairs?'

'No.'

'Well… I'll leave you alone then,' Remus said, and turned to leave but staggered and almost fell headlong down the stairs.

'By Circe, Lupin, you'll kill yourself,' Snape rapped out once he had shot out a strong arm to prevent Remus's doom.

Remus looked down at his grey jumper now stained with wine and laughed.

'Where are those werewolf reflexes when you need them?' he asked rhetorically, and whipped it over his head.

Underneath he was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, and he ruefully surveyed the carnage inflicted on the shirt too.

'I'll do a cleaning spell,' he said, and fumbled for his wand, dropping it twice and spilling more wine on himself.

'You'd better come in,' Snape sighed, 'and be careful of that wand.'

It took Remus setting his jumper aflame to concede that perhaps it had better be Severus who cleaned them. He held out his hand for the t-shirt too, still adorning the werewolf's skinny body.

'Oh, no, I'll do this tomorrow,' he said nervously, wrapping his free hand protectively across his abdomen.

Snape shrugged. '_Scourgify_,' he said. 'It won't come out tomorrow, you know.'

'I thought you said you weren't a laundrette, or something along those lines,' Remus snapped.

Strangely enough, Severus didn't feel particularly triumphant at having aroused anger in him. _Perhaps it doesn't count if you don't mean to_, he mused.

'So, I wanted to say I'm sorry for the other day,' Remus said finally.

'You have already said that.'

'You weren't exactly in a mood to listen.'

Snape silently conceded that point.

'It's not your fault,' he said unwillingly. 'How were you to know? It _is_ a simple spell, after all… at least compared to many others which I use every day.'

'That's why I was so surprised,' Remus said frankly. 'Because you're good at magic.'

'I am,' Snape said. 'I know I am. And yet, that one spell defeats me.'

Remus was nervous, but he went ahead anyway. 'Do you think that you just can't concentrate hard enough on your happy moment, or that you haven't got one powerful enough?'

Snape blinked once or twice, clearly taken aback. He was shocked enough not to get in a rage with Remus for being so curious, or nosy, or interfering, or whatever you wanted to call it. People simply didn't dare to ask him that sort of question – personal questions.

Still, Remus didn't appear to be teasing him, or laughing at him, or storing up information to use against him and gossip about with his infernal friends. His eyes were narrowed in thought and his face was curious. He seemed – interested. And sympathetic. Plus, although it was a humiliation to admit failure, his inability to perform the spell was an intellectual puzzle.

'I'm not certain,' he said candidly. 'I have not made many attempts at the spell with different memories. But I know I have sufficient willpower to perform other spells which require intense concentration. I suppose,' he glance away at the desk in the corner, down at his wine, out of the window, in any direction but Remus, 'that I don't have a powerful enough memory.'

When Remus said nothing back, Snape finally gathered to courage to look back at him and he was entirely thrown to see that the werewolf's lips were trembling.

'That's really sad,' he said in a low voice, and swallowed hard.

'I suppose you must be drunk enough to have become emotional,' Severus said dryly. An expert at hiding his emotions, he usually scorned their display in others, but oddly enough this particular exhibition did not make him angry. He told himself it was just drunkenness and then, with a jolt of self-laceration, that it was a change to have someone else rather than himself feeling pity for him.

He could not deny the effect that it had on him to see those kind eyes look so unhappy, and all for his sake.

'I suppose so,' Remus said, doing a rather wet sniff and dashing at his eyes with the flat of his glass-free hand. 'Sirius says I'm a great big jessy.' Immediately, he realised he had said the wrong thing. Snape stiffened and his face hardened.

'Sirius Black is hardly a man to criticise emotions of which he has absolutely no comprehension.'

'I know he's not very - merciful,' Remus said slowly. 'But I think he has had the mercy bred out of him.'

'And yet you have not.'

'I, er – well…'

'You too grew up unwanted – a Ministry home for half-breeds, was it not? I know those establishments. By rights you should be the most pitiless creature on the planet.'

'They tell you you're a monster,' Remus said very quietly. 'I'm not sure how that is meant to form you into a useful, decent member of society. Still,' he said, brightening visibly, 'my parents did get me into Hogwarts. Whatever motivation they had, I'm still grateful.'

'You would be,' muttered Snape. 'Tell me, Lupin, don't you ever hate anybody?'

'I assume we're talking apart from Voldemort?' Remus said with a laugh that didn't sound quite right. 'No, I don't think so. I dislike people but – I suppose I've never met anyone bad enough to hate.'

Severus was well acquainted with jealousy but he had never learned to disregard the surge of it in his throat. He turned away and drank some wine.

'I've finished mine,' announced Remus with another hiccough. 'Let's go and get more.'

Severus drank his down in one draught.

'You have had enough,' he said. 'You ought to be in bed.'

The dismissal was so obvious that Remus turned and walked from his room without another word.

He went back outside into the night where James and Lily were nowhere to be found, but Peter and Sirius fell on him with demands to know where he had been hiding, and had he seen Berenice Jones and Annie Mitchell were snogging?

Remus fought fire with fire, responding to the questions with queries of his own about Berenice and Annie (though he had known about them for several weeks) and the other two, happy to gossip, regaled him with the story.

He listened, nodding intermittently, before excusing himself and going back upstairs. He cleaned his teeth almost in a daze before getting in the bed, turning off the light, and staring sightlessly up at the ceiling.

He could hear the sounds of the Order enjoying themselves drift in through the open window, but he wasn't paying attention. He felt more sober than he had for hours.

Snape was wakeful too, still sitting at his desk and trying to read, but all he could do was torment himself with the memory of the bothersome Lupin asking questions and just looking at him in that way he had, slightly vague but somehow convincing you that he was entirely engaged in you and what you had to say.

_Damn him._


	3. Chapter 3

The next time Remus and Severus met alone, two days later, it was on Severus's volition and it was the afternoon after a full moon.

Remus's eyes fluttered open as he heard someone enter the room that he always had to himself after his transformation.

'I have brought you a potion,' said a familiar stiff voice, and then Severus came into view. He looked tired, even haggard, but although his words were undemonstrative, his voice was softer than usual. 'I know that Poppy Pomfrey is unavailable today, and I intend to ensure that you are being taken adequate care of.'

'Thanks,' Remus whispered, his throat still raw after screaming and howling for much of the night. 'People keep coming to see me, but no one brought me anything – at least, anything decent. Sirius apologised for not paying attention in Potions, and brought me two muggle tablets… aspirin, I think they're called. They're not great.'

'Salicylate,' Severus said thoughtfully, slipping immediately into his potions expert role. 'Derived from willows. It has been used for medicinal purposes by muggles for millennia. However, I think you will find my potion more efficacious.'

'I'm sure I will,' Remus agreed.

Snape handed the potion over and watched Remus drink it down before reclaiming the goblet.

'I feel better already; thank you.'

'Our work is too important for an Order member to be unnecessarily incapacitated,' said Snape. 'I will leave you to rest.' He made for the door with an air of relief that goaded Remus.

'Please - I - I'm bored and lonely. Everyone's busy and I'm stuck here – although I feel like I'll be able to get up soon, thanks to you.'

Snape turned and came back a little.

'You ought to learn to make a few useful potions. I know that what we learned in school was by and large not too applicable to life. There is a certain satisfaction to be gained from brewing your own potions and then seeing them work.'

'You're right; I ought to, though I remember being a bit of a liability in Potions lessons.'

'I seem to remember you setting a potion on fire three times in the same lesson, although the last time was more of an explosion. I wonder if anyone has managed to get it off the ceiling yet.'

'I think I must have dropped a hair in it or something. Potions don't react very well with werewolf hair. Although there were plenty of disasters that were just plain ineptitude. But you're right, I ought to learn. It's shameful how little brewing I can do. Now I'm a bit older I might manage to not make such a hash of it.'

'I could teach you,' Snape said unexpectedly as though the words had been drawn from him against his will.

Remus's spirits leapt but he stayed calm. 'I'd like that very much… although I couldn't be answerable for the consequences.'

Snape looked at him inscrutably. 'If you would really find it beneficial then I am sure I could improve your skills.'

'Well then, when we have some spare time. And perhaps, in return, I could give you some Patronus lessons?'

Severus shrugged and the atmosphere turned cold once more. Remus tried to remedy it, knowing he had stepped over a line he had known was there but had hoped he could cross with relative impunity.

'So what have you been doing with yourself today, whilst I'm in bed?'

'I should have come earlier to see you, but I was summoned by Voldemort.'

'And you don't want to talk about it.'

'Not particularly,' Severus said, his face a blank.

Remus tried to draw him out on other subjects after that, but it was no good; his manner, always reserved to say the least, was completely unforthcoming. Remus regretted bringing up the subject and let Snape escape once it was clear there would be no more friendly talk.  


* * *

  
The house was quiet once again, and Remus had things on his mind. He could not concentrate on _Brewing Up: A No-Nonsense Guide to Potion-making for the Reluctant Scholar_, or the book Sirius had given him for his birthday, _Living With Lycanthropy_, or even _Murder on the Orient Express_. Poirot was getting on his nerves.

Getting up from the sofa, around which was strewn discarded tomes, he yawned and stretched, did some half-hearted tidying, and decided that coffee was in order.

Remembering the night of the party, he found two mugs in the cupboard, heated the water and filled the cafetiere, then loaded a tray with milk, sugar, and a large bar of chocolate which until recently had been acting as a bookmark.

Carefully mounting the stairs to Severus's eyrie, he had lost his confidence and was breathing rather harder than was necessary, but he steeled himself, put the tray down and knocked.

'Who is there?' asked a voice that Remus thought sounded nervous. He wondered if he had his wand ready before reminding himself that Snape knew Death-Eaters were unlikely to knock.

'It's Remus.'

There were noises, rustling then footsteps, then the door opened a crack and Snape's big noise and untidy hair and irritated eyes made an appearance.

It appeared that Severus did not make a very gracious host.

'I brought you coffee,' Remus explained when it was clear that he would have to speak first.

Snape said nothing but he looked perhaps a shade less hostile.

'Can I come in?'

The door opened wider and Remus stooped to collect the tray. He had never been in Snape's inner sanctum before and he was curious to see it.

The attic room had a sloping ceiling so that most people could not stand in the corners, and jars on shelves lined the walls. It was whitewashed but gloomy, lit only by candles, and was dominated by a huge table against one wall. The table was covered in papers, and had only one chair, and in the chair was Snape.

'Can I put the tray down here?'

'If you must.'

'Milk? Sugar?' he asked, ministering to the coffee.

'Neither, thank you.'

Remus put down his coffee in front of him. Heaven knows where but he had found a matching saucer and on it, nestling next to the cup and already starting to melt, was a stick of chocolate. Snape was startled enough to look up at him and was relieved to see his face was entirely grave.

'Honeydukes' best.'

'I understood that they had closed several months ago.'

'They had. This is from my emergency supply.'

Snape looked up at him but he was adding sugar to his own drink and did not see.

'I can leave you alone if you'd rather,' Remus said nervously, teaspoon in hand, finding conversation and welcome in short supply. He had no desire to stay where he was not wanted but at the same time he found himself curiously reluctant to leave.

Snape told himself he was relieved. But then he bit into the chocolate and started to wonder.

His wand was lying on the table close at hand. He retrieved the teaspoon from the tray and deftly transfigured it into a chair.

Remus waited for a second, as if to be invited, but then realised that from Severus that was invitation enough and sat down.

He sipped his coffee and said, 'Although I suppose I can't really teach you, you did offer me potions lessons. Does that still stand? Because I've been trying and trying but I just can't seem to learn anything from _Brewing Up_.'

Snape snorted. 'A dreadful book,' he said.

'Well, at least, perhaps you could recommend one?'

'I told you I would teach you and I will, if you wish it.'

'Thank you.'

They drank their coffee in a silence that could not be called companionable but at least was not crackling with tension.

Snape drained his cup and licked the chocolate from his thumb and forefinger tips, a gesture that surprised Remus somewhat. He would have thought him a handkerchief man or, more likely, a cleaning spell.

Then he drew his papers towards him once more in a definite dismissal that had Remus standing and reloading the tray.

Hoping for thanks but realising it was unlikely, he moved towards the door and was about to attempt a complicated opening manoeuvre with his foot when Snape moved past him and held it open it for him.

'Thanks,' Remus said, and smiled.

'I am free next Sunday for a lesson.'

'Oh - er, good. I'll come and find you.'

And as he made his way downstairs he felt quite considerably happier than he had an hour before.

* * *

  
This was brief, however, and vanished once he walked into the now-occupied living room.

'So what have you and Snivellus been up to?' asked James with an edge to his voice as he shuffled the cards for another round of Exploding Snap.

'I took him a cup of coffee,' Remus said evenly, not troubling to ask how they had found out or, indeed, why they were so bothered.

'Hope you didn't drink anything he gave you,' Sirius added.

'Severus was the only one to give me a potion after my last transformation,' Remus retorted, 'and it worked beautifully.'

'I brought you aspirin!'

'They're almost useless! I'm a werewolf!'

'Maybe if you'd taken a couple more like I told you…'

'I'm not going to poison myself with muggle medicine.'

'But you're happy to take anything _he_ gives you?' asked James.

'Of course!'

'It could be anything!' said Peter unexpectedly. 'It could be poison, or something that makes you a wolf more often, or a controlling draught or, or, anything!'

James and Sirius's eyes met across the table and Remus, catching the glance, realised that Peter's idea held some weight with them. He had thought he was angry before, but now he could barely contain himself.

'_Severus _wouldn't do that to me,' he said coldly.

He turned and walked out of the room leaving a very uncomfortable silence behind him.

* * *

  
Author's note: Remus's potions disasters are based on my own days as the scourge of A level chemistry practicals. I did indeed set fire to the same experiment multiple times, one of these leaving a soot patch on the ceiling which I sometimes wonder whether it is still there. I had no werewolf-hair excuse, I was just inept.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey,

Someone asked me about where this fits in timeline-wise and I realised I'd never said, just hoped you'd get it/ wouldn't care. I know it's a bit uncanon but it's post-Snape's defection and pre-murder of James and Lily. Because, of course, Snape didn't swap sides because he was all smooshy for Lily, oh no. Not in this fic at least.

* * *

  
The Marauders had formed an uneasy truce, which consisted of them ignoring what had happened, but unsurprisingly Remus had hoped to sneak up to Severus's room for his potions lesson without anyone noticing.

Unfortunately this plan was scuppered when he bumped into Sirius, who had just come in.

'Alright Moony? Hope you haven't been too bored today. Since Jamie and Lily turned into love's young dream it's been a bit quiet hasn't it? And they're working me hard with training at the moment.'

'And of course you're spending a lot of time with Lola,' Remus said with a smile.

'Well… yeah…' Sirius said with a grin. 'But Pete never seems to be here either - what do you do with yourself?'

'Lots of reading,' Remus told him truthfully.

Sirius pulled a face. 'Rather you than me. What you up to now?'

'Actually,' Remus said, steeling himself for the outburst he felt was inevitable, 'Severus has offered to help me with my potion-making, so I was going to go and have a lesson with him.'

'You _what_?'

'You know I didn't do very well at it at school and I think I ought to improve a bit.'

'Remus! You got an E! And even if you were the worst in the world, why in the name of all that's magical would you get lessons from _Snivellus_?'

'Sirius, please don't call him that. He said he'd help me, and he was the best in our year.'

'What's he up to? I'm going up there to ask him!'

'What on earth are you talking about?'

'He's obviously got something up his sleeve, some plan or other, and knowing him it'll be something _dark_.'

'I know you don't like each other, but I had hoped that you could be a bit calmer about this.'

'How can I be calm? He's a bastarding great vampire who just wants to fuck with us! He's a Death Eater, for fuck's sake!'

'Would you keep your voice down,' Remus said sternly. 'And he was a Death Eater, but he isn't anymore. He's on our side. If you are so sensitive about dark magic, I'm amazed that you're friends with a werewolf.'

'That's completely different! You didn't choose to be one! It's not your fault!'

'Listen to me, Sirius. I don't lecture you on your life, I don't tell you what to do. I'm a big boy now and you are not my mother! I am going upstairs for a potions lesson with Severus and I will see you later.'

With that, he turned and walked up the stairs, not looking back. If he had, he would have seen Sirius with his mouth hanging open in shock at his meek friend being so unexpectedly stubborn.  


* * *

  
Arriving up at Snape's room with his heart still beating unduly quickly, he knocked and was admitted.

Snape gave no sign that he had heard the altercation and Remus was relieved.

'What do you feel comfortable with?' he asked without preamble.

'I, er, oh,' Remus was blushing although he did not know why. 'I'm good at preparing the ingredients, I think. And I can follow the instructions. It just seems that I don't have the - I don't know what you call it - the talent? The touch?'

Snape looked at him and narrowed his eyes in thought.

'Perhaps the best way would be for you to brew something and I'll watch,' he decided. 'Something useful - that healing potion I gave you last week.'

Remus nodded. 'What book is it in?'

Snape looked somewhat discomfited. 'It is not in a book.'

He shuffled through the papers that had been swept to one corner of the table to make room for the cauldron that now stood there. Finding what he sought, he brought the scrap of parchment over and Summoned a couple of candles.

'Can you read this writing?'

'Yes, it's fine. Did you make this up yourself?'

'Yes.'

'Gosh… how did you do it?'

'I simply collated several healing potions and then tailored them to suit the situation. It was very straightforward.'

'You invented it for me? For after a transformation?'

Severus nodded tightly.

Remus's eyes were like saucers as he stared down at the paper which, he noticed, was trembling slightly.

'Wow. Thank you.'

'Many healing potions contain ingredients that would be toxic to a werewolf's metabolism,' Snape said brusquely, 'so it was more efficacious to create a new one rather than brew a traditional tonic with the poisons removed. I will fetch the components.'

Remus marvelled as he moved surely about the room collecting jars, bundles and bottles.

He moved over to the table and lit a fire under the cauldron, then searched for _camellia sinensis_. He found it tied up with string and labelled in the same impossibly neat handwriting as the instructions, and began to methodically shred the leaves.

Snape stopped what he was doing to watch, and seemed to approve. He sat down and started looking over his papers.

He added the leaves to the cauldron to steep, checking the temperature with his wand, and then looked for the next item.

'It is best,' Severus said suddenly, looking up, 'to slice the ginger with a silver knife and then crush it to release its juices. I have not found a good replacement yet for the knife, so I will do that this time.'

Remus nodded. He had had a couple of silver burns before. He moved over so that Snape had room to work.

Those white hands were fast and skilful in their work, the knife flying through the knobbly roots, and after a couple of minutes Snape added the ginger and then returned to where he had been sitting.

They worked together in silence, Remus concentrating harder than he ever had at school to try to impress his new teacher. He continued dropping ingredients into the cauldron, paying close attention to every note on the parchment, and about half an hour passed swiftly before he gave the pot one last stir and then sniffed the delicate steam rising from it meditatively. His glasses fogged up and he took them off and wiped them.

'I have to leave it for an hour. Shall I leave you and then come back?'

'You should never leave an unfinished potion,' Snape told him firmly.

'So how have I done so far?'

'Fairly well. You were right; your preparation of ingredients is good, and you were careful and methodical in following the instructions. I believe the main things you lack are confidence and an enjoyment in the process.'

'So will my potion work?'

'I see no reason why it should not.'

'And how can I get better at brewing?'

'When you brew from recipes, the main thing is to prepare properly and then stick to the directions. Being able to tweak your brewing to improve the end product is a skill that only comes from brewing many potions. As you learn what ingredients combine well together for certain purposes, and how you can prepare those ingredients in order to improve their effectiveness, you can start to create your own brews. Other things, like ways of adding to the potion and methods of combining the ingredients within the cauldron, are really learned by experience, trial and error, and advice from others.'

'I think my problem is that when a potion starts going wrong, I don't notice it, and so I can't save it in time.'

'Again, that comes from brewing; how can you know something is wrong if you do not know what right is? You do have an advantage though.'

'I do?'

'Your sense of smell. I have read that the werewolf's sense of smell is far more acute, so you have a better sense to aid you in brewing than most people.'

'I never thought of it like that.'

'Of course, it can be a disadvantage in brewing strong-smelling potions, but you can cast charms to alleviate strong odours so that you are not overpowered.'

Remus looked surprised. He had grown so accustomed to thinking of his condition as a curse that he forgot the advantages it gave him. Though they were few, they were better than nothing. He smiled faintly, and Snape noticed it.

'It is difficult being different,' he said suddenly, and then looked aghast at himself.

'Yes, it is,' Remus said thoughtfully. 'You tend to think only of the bad things about it. Like you, having been a Death Eater.'

He risked a sidelong glance but Snape's face was in shadow.

'I mean, it's not good for you, I can't imagine what it must be like to have to go back and pretend, but because you were one you're probably the most useful Order member out of all of us. We'd have no idea what they were planning without you.'

'I cannot pretend that I am glad, though.'

His voice was quiet and dull.

'No more than I am. You shouldn't have to put up with the things you must have to. And you don't tell anyone either - well, you tell Albus I'm sure, but he's so busy… you must have so many things crowding round in your mind.'

'Albus gave me a pensieve,' Snape said, still in that voice that somehow seemed to convey a little of what he had seen and done in the name of the fight against Voldemort.

'A pensieve doesn't talk back though. And I just thought - I can keep secrets. If you ever wanted.'

Severus did not say anything, and Remus worried that he had overstepped the mark once more, that he might have been insulted by this enticement to confidence.

'I didn't mean to upset you,' he added finally.

'You didn't.'

_Tell Lupin about the Death Eaters? Tell him about the torture of muggles, their screams spiralling up into the night as waves of unimaginable pain broke over them? Or witches and wizards, captured and tormented, to talk about their faces as they realised their agony only had one possible end? Tell _Remus _what it was like to know with certainty that one day it will be me on the receiving end of the wrath of the Dark Lord? How could I ever do that?_

He turned away, sat back down and once more started annotating the sheaves of papers that littered the table and the floor. Remus bit his thumbnail unhappily and wished for a cigarette.

'You could go down and make tea,' Snape said without looking up, 'and I will watch the potion.'

Taking that as a dismissal, he went downstairs and fulfilled his twin urges for caffeine and nicotine before heading back upstairs with coffee for his tutor and a tattered copy of _Jane Eyre _that he had found under the sofa in the living-room when his chocolate frog had made a bid for freedom in that direction.

The time passed quickly although silently, and after an hour both men looked up, caught the other's eye, looked away again and then stood to check on the potion.

Snape bent over and sniffed it.

'Now you need to decant it into flasks,' he said. 'You can use a spell on this particular potion - although some potions are changed or damaged by being decanted using magic - or you can use a dropper. You need to stir it first and then transfer it quickly so that there is an even distribution of the ingredients.'

Remus took the dropper and carefully measured the potion, by now a cool yellowish-green, into the flasks.

'Now label it - the potion name and the date.'

He obeyed.

'And there you are. This potion ought to keep for about a year, and then I think its power will start to decline. Now you have remedies ready for each transformation.'

'Thank you very much, Severus.'

'You can keep the instructions if you wish. I have already noted them down elsewhere.'

'Thank you. And Severus… I know lessons might not help much, but they might… maybe one day… you'd be ready.'

Remus thought Snape was going to reply but then he dropped the quill he was holding and clutched at his left forearm with his right hand.

'He is calling me! Go!'

And so Remus went, with a backward glance that saw Snape turn on the spot to apparate to his master.


	5. Chapter 5

'So he looked all stealthy, sort of thing, and when I asked him where he was going - you're not going to believe this - he said he was going up for a _potions lesson _with _Snape!'_

'_No_!'

'Yeah! And when I, er, suggested to him that maybe that wasn't the best thing to do, what with Snape being evil incarnate, he basically told me where to go, and just stormed upstairs!'

'You don't think he might have been joking?'

'He was dead serious Pete. And anyway, that's not a Moonyish sort of joke. His jokes are all terrible puns.'

'The other day he told me that Shakespeare walked into a pub and the landlord said, 'Get out - you're bard!'. That was it. He was laughing like a drain,' James Potter said, shaking his head in disbelief.

'Why's that funny?'

'It's not. But that's my point. He obviously wasn't pulling my leg. He really did want to go and let the greasy git teach him potions.'

'But _why_?'

'He _said _he thought his brewing skills weren't up to much and that he thought he should have a go at improving them.'

'But he got an E in his OWL!' said Peter, who would have dearly loved a few more Es.

'That's what I said!'

'So why's he doing all this?'

'I really don't know,' Sirius said with a frown.

'Maybe him and Snivellus are friends?' suggested Peter, which earned him a sceptical look from Sirius.

Their hypothesising was interrupted by the advent of Lily who had come looking for James. She greeted the three Marauders who had fallen silent.

'Why so serious, boys?'

'Can't help it,' Sirius snapped back with a grin. He liked Lily.

'Lils, why do you think Remus might be making coffee for Snape and going for potions lessons with him?' asked Peter plaintively, three avid faces looking up at her for judgment and making her laugh.

'Because he wants to get better at potions?'

'But he _hates _him!'

'Who hates who?' she said enigmatically.

'Remus. Hates Snivellus.'

'Does he, though?'

They digested this in silence.

'Snivelly definitely hates Remus though,' piped up James.

'No, Severus hates you lot, and justifiably so.'

'But Re's a you-know-what,' Sirius said.

Lily snorted in a most unladylike fashion. 'Snape was a bloody Death Eater; he's hardly in a position to pass moral judgement over something like that. Honestly, this is getting you nowhere. Why don't you just ask Remus - don't challenge him, ask him in a calm sort of way, trying your hardest not to descend into Snape-bashing, and see what he says.'

They looked unconvinced, and James began, 'Couldn't you -'

'No!' she snapped. 'I don't see what the big deal is anyway.'

* * *

  
Remus had, with careful supervision, managed a rather good and very nasty little poison that could be kept in a tiny phial around the neck and, if captured, could be drunk to bring death.

He had protested against it when Snape suggested it, but something in his tutor's eyes had made him realise that one day he or someone else would be grateful they had this swift and merciful exit. The thought gave him shivers down his spine and he decided, before he left, that they could both do with being cheered up.

'Would you like a Patronus lesson?' he asked nervously, and was quite unaccountably glad when Severus agreed that yes, he would.

Severus did not know why he had agreed so easily when the last time had been such a farce, but Remus's face, so eager and so obviously wanting to give him something in return for his lessons, made him sympathetic.

And so, once more, he lifted his wand. He glanced over at Remus and then spoke the incantation.

It was not exactly dramatic but it was a start; a silver trail of smoke oozing lazily from the end of his wand.

Remus all but clapped his hands, so effusive was his praise, until Severus felt quite embarrassed.

'It was barely anything,' he pointed out.

'Yes, but it was a start! You did really well! Have you ever managed anything before?'

'No,' he replied grudgingly.

'Well then!'

Remus was happy, and he thought it may have had something to do with the fact that Snape's life had at least not been one long misery.

'It would not hold back a single Dementor, let alone many.'

'Yes, but now you know you can do it, you'll get better I'm sure.'

Snape nearly snapped at him for being so irritatingly optimistic but something in him could not hurt this enthusiastic young man.

'You don't even need a teacher,' Remus said. 'You just need - well, you know. But maybe I'll be good for you, make you practise.'

Snape did not know how to reply so he remained silent.

'Look, the sun's going down. Do you want to come out to the river for a bit? It's so pretty.'

'I am busy,' Snape said forbiddingly, but somehow Remus was not quite as overawed by him as he had been at school.

'You could spare half an hour? Go on, it'll be good for you, bit of fresh air and that.'

Severus shrugged; Remus had clearly set his heart on this and so he told himself he would humour him.

They tramped downstairs and were soon out in the garden, the smoke from Remus's cigarette coiling and uncoiling into a blue haze in the still air as the sun dyed the clouds glorious shades of pink.

'Red sky at night, shepherds' delight,' quoth Remus.

'It is amazing how people find pleasure in things that happen every day.'

'Yes, but don't you? I enjoy my shower every morning, and the first cup of tea and the first cigarette. And I like the very end of the day when I get into bed.'

Snape shook his head as though he could not fathom such things.

'Come on, Severus, look how beautiful it is,' Remus said and Snape obediently watched with him as the sun slipped finally down behind the hills and the darkness started to creep in.

'I would have thought nightfall would be painful to you.'

'I suppose it is - but not entirely. I know you're thinking of my - you know, but I think perhaps a little pain magnifies pleasure. Some Greek or other said that beauty is terror. There's something in that, isn't there? I don't remember ever having seen a full moon while I was myself, but I see the gibbous moon and I have seen pictures and I think perhaps my fear of it makes it all the more beautiful to me.'

'I have seen enough terror to prefer my beauty free of it,' Severus replied, still watching the skies.

From the corner of his eye he thought Remus looked sad.

'It's cold,' said the werewolf and went back to the house, arms wrapped around himself, leaving Snape to trail after him in the gloaming.  


* * *

  
The Marauders had taken no steps to wring from their friend any explanations - reticence, busyness and interesting love lives had stopped them, as well as perhaps a certain fear of what might happen if they pressed their suddenly strange friend too hard - but despite her abject refusal, Lily decided to tackle Remus.

He had been out amongst the werewolves one night, and came back with grey circles under his eyes. Lily made him a cup of tea, made him eat some chocolate and then sat him down in the airing cupboard which happened to be the only unoccupied room.

'So how did it go?'

'Alright. They at least trust me - they know I'm a - one of them, they can smell it - but they don't really want to hear what I'm telling them about the Dark Lord. Who can blame them? The Ministry have done their best to make sure they can't work, can't find places to live… they don't trust wizards and witches, but at least Voldemort is offering them _something_.'

'They have a hard time,' said Lily gently.

'It makes me sick,' Remus said in a low voice.

She put an arm round his shoulders and squeezed gently.

'When we defeat Voldemort, I swear to you I'll help you with some werewolf rights stuff. It's awful the way you're treated, but it doesn't have to be like this.'

'Thanks,' Remus said. 'You know, Severus is working on a potion to try to let us keep our minds when we transform. He says eventually he wants to find a cure, but that this will be much easier. I told him, I don't care so much about the transforming and all that, it's worrying about hurting people that's the worst thing.'

'And Severus understand that?'

'Yes, he does. After all, every time he has to join Voldemort he might have to hurt people against his will.'

'Yes but he did choose that path.'

'He did, but he realised he didn't want that. He changed.'

'You and he seem to get on well these days.'

'Yes,' Remus said warily.

'Your friends are confused.'

'I'm sure they are.'

'Oh Remus! You're not giving anything away, are you?'

'There's nothing to give away! We're - he's giving me potions lessons. We have good conversations. That's it! I didn't realise that when I got Sorted into Gryffindor that that would mean fevered conspiracy-making if I made friends with a Slytherin.'

'So you're friends?'

'Did James put you up to this?'

'No - _no_. they wanted me to ask you what was going on, but this is purely my own personal nosiness, and my lips are sealed.'

'You know there's nothing they need to be sealed for,' Remus told her, and half amused and half annoyed he extricated himself from the piles of laundry and Lily's sharp green eyes and went to find a quiet place to read his book.


	6. Chapter 6

The next couple of weeks were good ones – no one they knew died, Remus proved a surprisingly good Potions student, and in return he continued to give Snape Patronus lessons (although these were not an unmitigated success). They accomplished their missions with relative ease, Voldemort rarely summoning Severus, and he, Sirius and James managed to not antagonise each other too much whenever they were in headquarters together, which made Remus happy.

Remus and Snape's burgeoning friendship had not gone unnoticed by the Order; Leo Longthorn had a book running on what was actually going on (unbeknownst to Remus Sirius had a Galleon on Snape having cast the Imperius curse, which was more wishful thinking than anything else).

The more perceptive of them realised that the Marauders/Snape feud had never included Remus, and that the two were more similar than they appeared at first glance, but the remainder merely expressed their distrust of Snape and their wonder that Remus would want to associate with an ex-Death Eater with a nasty temper and a forbidding manner.

Sirius, James and Peter continued to ask Remus how he was at every opportunity, in a manner which suggested that Remus was an invalid with a complaint that baffled medical science. They seemed to think he needed protection from some sort of unknown threat that Severus posed to him.

One evening, Remus snapped.

'I don't know what it is you think Severus will do to me, he said exasperatedly one evening, 'but I assure you I'm in no danger from him whatsoever!'

'We never said you were,' James said defensively, 'We were just asking you if you were okay!'

'I know exactly what you're thinking,' Remus said, standing up so suddenly that his chair fell over, and Arthur Weasley and Molly Prewett looked over nervously before beating a retreat.

'We can't help it, mate,' Sirius said in a placatory sort of way. 'You know we've never got on with him.'

Remus picked his chair up and sat back down, ashamed at his outburst.

'I know. I just hoped - we're on the same side now…'

'Re, honestly, I don't think you know Snape as well as you think.'

His temper flaring again, he said, 'And you know him so well, I suppose.'

'No, of course we don't,' said James, shooting a quelling look at Sirius. 'Sorry. We'll stop talking about it.'

'Thank you,' said Remus, and looked at his watch before leaving the room to his friends who looked at each other then shook their heads gloomily.

Remus ran upstairs to find Snape as they were due to work on Severus's Patronus. He was still angry though, and found himself struggling to conjure his own.

'_Expecto patronum_,' he kept trying, but only wisps of silver were appearing. 'Damn it!'

'You ought to calm down,' said Snape, eyeing him warily.

'_Expecto patronum_!' Nothing.

'Lupin, please. You'll snap your wand and you'll struggle to get a new one quickly. What on earth is wrong?'

'Nothing,' Remus snapped and tried again, and was again unsuccessful.

'It's your friends, isn't it?' asked Snape, and tried his own Patronus. It was a little stronger but still not corporeal and he had found himself wondering what form it might take, assuming he ever achieved it.

'I - no. I just got up on the wrong side of bed.'

Sceptical eyes watched him, making him so self-conscious that he dropped his wand.

'Can you not think of anything you could say that might get them to leave you alone?'

'Oh, I don't know. _Expecto patronum_. Fuck!'

'_Expecto patronum_,' said Snape, and a silver cloud emerged from his wand.

'It's getting better, isn't it,' Remus said distractedly. 'I don't think I can take any of the credit though.'

'Oh, I would not say that. I could not have reached this stage without your encouragement. Perhaps I could speak to them.'

'I don't think they'd be very keen,' Remus said in a tone which suggested the discussion should close.

'Shall we start the Calming Draught?'

_I think he could do with a bit._

Remus acquiesced, and they started chopping ingredients side by side.

'It is causing you unnecessary bother, having these lessons,' said Snape, somewhat obviously.

'I know,' Remus said briefly, checking the consistency of his monkshood roots.

'I do not need company, or assistance,' Severus said, his pride stung though he did not know what he wished his companion to say. 'So if this is some sort of misguided sympathetic venture, I tell you I do not wish it.'

Remus stopped chopping his roots. 'Do you think it is some sort of misguided sympathetic venture then?' he asked, his tone mild but his eyes flashing.

Severus stopping what he was doing too. 'I don't know,' he said honestly. 'Is it?'

'Would you think that if everyone had kept their nose out of our business?'

'I don't know,' Snape said again, and he looked down at his by now somewhat mangled poppy petals.

'Goodness me,' Remus said, his eyebrows raised, 'you genuinely don't know, do you?'

'No,' Snape snapped, 'and if you are not willing to tell me, I can only assume -'

'What? That it's true? Oh, I'm going to kill Sirius and James,' he growled, and resumed his chopping with a fair amount of viciousness.

Severus was startled at this display of temper.

'Whilst I cannot argue with your desire to kill your friends, I would recommend against it.'

Remus once more put down his knife, and started to laugh.

'That's probably good advice,' he gasped. Seeing Snape looking baffled at this lightning change of mood, he laughed harder. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' he gasped, 'you are funny, you know. No, I'm not friends with you because I think you're some sort of pity case, and frankly, I think Sirius and James deserve at the very least a severe bollocking for making you think that.'

'Bollocking?'

'Telling off. Muggle slang.'

'Ah.'

'Why on earth did you believe them? I didn't think you were one for listening to idle gossip… have I given you reason to believe it? Do I seem like I don't enjoy your company?'

'I pay no mind to gossip,' Severus said immediately, looking annoyed, 'but this is a particularly convincing story.'

'So without even asking me, you've drawn your own conclusions eh?'

'I merely looked at the evidence, and -'

'This is beyond belief,' Remus said angrily. 'You'd think that it was simple, but instead I get James and Sirius and Peter on at me on one side, and then you believe them over me! For god's sake Sev, if you're not happy to spend time with me then just tell me. It would make everything a hell of a lot easier!'

Severus had noticed the _Sev _and it had made him rather pleased, though he supposed that strictly speaking he ought to be annoyed at the liberty. Still, he was faced with an angry werewolf and so he had no time to think of that.

'Listen to me, Lupin, before you go flying off the handle. One, _you _are well known for attempting to befriend people, especially those whom you perceive as requiring befriending. Two, _I _am well known for being solitary. Three, you appear to be overly concerned about my reasons for failing to conjure a Patronus.'

Remus shrugged, deflated. 'Those are true, I suppose, but it doesn't necessarily follow that I'm only friends with you because I feel sorry for you. I don't feel sorry for you,' he said, bending the truth somewhat, 'I like you, and I think you're interesting, believe it or not. And I know some people like to spend their time alone, but even they must occasionally wish for company. As for me, I like to spend time with someone who isn't perpetually trying to wind me up, or fighting, or playing pranks. I do love my friends but they do get on my nerves sometimes. It's nice to spend time with someone a little more – serious.'

He finished his speech and bit his lip. He had lost the urge to rant and rave, and was now feeling a little shy. There was something about Severus that made you feel naked when you told him how you felt. Perhaps it was the way he listened with intent brown eyes weighing every word.

'Well? Does that satisfy you?' The words came out a little more anxiously than he would have wished.

'I am satisfied,' replied Snape. He too was somewhat embarrassed for having put himself in such a position and, to change the subject, inquired what Remus intended to do after the war, supposing he survived and the Dark Lord was destroyed.

'Oh, after the war!' Remus said impatiently. 'After the war I'll have to go and pretend to be a muggle because unsurprisingly, no one wants an employee who might bite their head off.'

'Perhaps Albus will offer you a job?'

'Maybe. I don't know. I think he did enough for me, letting me go to school. I don't want to make things hard for him. It's the biting thing, Severus. It's a bit of an obstacle. But hey, Lord Voldemort might do away with me next time I bump into him and all my troubles will be over.'

'I don't like to hear you talk like that,' said Snape in a low voice. There was a hard, flippant edge to Remus's voice that made him feel bad in the pit of his stomach and he wished he had never brought up the subject.

'Sorry, but you know it's true. I might not even have a week. Who knows?'

'Your life may indeed be shortened, and that should impact upon how you live to an extent. But Lupin, you must remember that your life may not be shortened. You may live to a hundred, and it is important not to regret your actions.' _Or inactions._

'Sometimes I hope it will be shortened,' said Remus with only an excusable hint of melodrama. 'I'm so awfully tired of this, of all of it; the war, people dying around me, being a werewolf… being lonely.'

'You should not think like that,' said Snape with a vehemence that surprised them both.

'It's easier said than done, though.'

'You think I do not realise?'

'I know you know. It's a bit of a comfort, actually, talking to you about it, because I know you do understand.'

They went back to their chopping.  


* * *

  
'Snape,' said a familiar voice in a familiar tone, and he whirled about, hand on his wand.

'What is it, Potter?'

'I know there's something going on with you and Remus. All I need you to know is that if you hurt him then I'll kill you. Got it?'

'It is funny you should warn me against hurting him, because it would appear that you are the ones who are currently making his life more difficult than it needs to be.'

James started, and narrowed his eyes.

'For some bizarre reason, he seems to - to _like _you, but rest assured that I _don't_, and I'm watching you.'

'Well, well,' Snape drawled, crossing his arms and looking amused. 'I am under surveillance by James Potter. I'm shaking in my shoes.'

James' face grew a little red.

'He's not _tough_, you know,' he said somewhat unexpectedly, and stalked off leaving a thoughtful Snape.


	7. Chapter 7

Remus had been making a Perking Potion and had accidentally dropped a hair into it right at the end, causing it to explode up into his face. Luckily it was not hot, or corrosive, but it did have the unfortunate side-effect of making him jump manically about the room for ten minutes or so, which made Snape murmur something about 'idiot Gryffindors'.

_Still, he doesn't seem angry_, Remus reflected as he narrowly avoided knocking himself out by running into the wall. _In fact - I think he thinks this is funny. Look, he's smiling! Bastard!_

'Severus,' he gasped, catching hold of the table leg to try to stay still for a moment, 'there must be some sort of antidote?'

'You've just got let it wear off,' smirked Snape, sitting back in his chair to better watch the spectacle. In a moment, though, he was laughing on the other side of his face, as Remus sprang up and cannoned into him, sending him crashing to the floor.

Ten stone of skinny werewolf pinned him there for a moment before Remus was off again, now with tears of laughter rolling down his cheeks as he leapt about uncontrollably.

Finally, panting, he was left with only sporadic twitches and he decided the best place to be was laid out on the floor like an anthropomorphic starfish.

'You could definitely have stopped that, couldn't you?'

'Of course.'

Remus got to his feet.

'You're a sadist, aren't you?' he asked, but his eyes were sparkling.

'It was a beneficial learning experience,' Severus said primly, making Remus chuckle.

Snape looked about on his desk for his wand before Transfiguring a parchment into a hairnet and, the picture of innocence, wordlessly handed it to Remus who started laughing.

'I'm not wearing that!'

With a flick of Snape's wand he was, and despite tugging at it, could not get it off his head. He started laughing once more, helplessly pulling at it but realising it was no good. He turned away for a second then, with a quick incantation, Severus was wearing one too.

'Your hair's just as long as mine,' he said between gusts of laughter that made him clutch his sides. 'I think it's unsafe for you not to wear one.'

He wasn't sure whether a storm would descend at this assault on Snape's dignity but his hopes were realised. The shocked look on Severus's face dissolved into a genuine smile as he also pulled futilely at the dreadful headgear. Looking once again at Remus, bending double with mirth, his hair tucked up in pink nylon, the smile segued into a laugh that joined Remus's.

There was a knock on the door, and both men jumped and stopped laughing.

'Er, who is it?' Remus asked, seeing Snape was paralysed. _He's scared of someone seeing him looking silly and being happy, _he realised.

'It is Albus,' replied a jovial voice.

'Hang on a sec,' he called, then whispered, 'What's the spell to get these off?' He giggled nervously.

'I don't know,' said Snape, looking aghast.

'We'll have to let him in. Albus'll know.'

'He can't come in!'

'You shouldn't have stuck a bloody hairnet on my head if you didn't know how to get it off.' Remus had started laughing again and, seeing him so blithely unconcerned and knowing the imperturbability and immense secret-keeping abilities of the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Severus managed a smile.

'Sorry,' he said.

'Yeah, me too,' Remus replied, still fighting his hysteria and going to open the door. 'Sorry about that sir. We were trying to get our, er, hats off, but we couldn't.'

'No need to worry, m'boy,' Albus told him with a twinkle in his eye as he surveyed the two sheepish men in their gaudy hairnets. 'Brewing potions, I see. Safety first, of course.'

He gave his wand a tiny wave and the hairnets were loose. Their wearers pulled them off rapidly, both rather pink.

'I only came up here to ask you a favour, Remus, and I am very sorry to disturb you. Would you mind going out with Stregoica, Molly and Leo? There has been a rather unpleasant Death Eater attack on a muggle village and I think they will need some help both with the wounded and with memory modification. They are leaving straight away'

'Of course, sir,' said Remus, his hilarity gone.

'Thank you. Severus, if I could please see you later in my office at school about some of the information you gave me last week?'

'Of course, sir.'

'You have to stop calling me 'sir', boys,' said Albus. 'I am sorry to interrupt your… _work_.' He grinned at them, watching them both shuffle their feet and look embarrassed, then left.

'I - er, see you later,' Remus said, and fled the room feeling unaccountably shy.

* * *

  
The village was one in the fens, flat and desolate marshland where, if the cloud cleared, you could see for miles pocked by telegraph poles and pylons.

The Death Eaters had wreaked even more than their usual havoc on this village. The muggles that were in a state to be asked told them there were over a dozen, masked and cloaked, and that they had moved through the village gathering its residents. There had been torture in the functional town square that was now full of people moaning and sobbing.

Remus and his companions moved swiftly round, despatching some of the injured and the dead to St. Mungo's and treating those they could.

They also cast memory charms to alter the muggles' recollection, something that Remus hated doing and yet - when he saw the change in them, something in him wanted that sort of release.

_I can't do it now, there's work to be done I know, but maybe afterwards… if I survive…_

He knew that there was no natural way to erase the pleading of the people taken and broken by Lord Voldemort and his cruel servants, the eyes that were bewildered by this sudden and hideously unnatural suffering.

They worked on, the muggle authorities having been summoned once they could ensure that anyone asked could swear they saw a gang of vicious men setting about the villagers and beating them. Already Remus could hear people trying to come up with explanations as to why anyone would do such a thing, and whether the police would catch them.

He knew the answer to the second, but a reason for doing what the Death Eaters had done? A powerful Auror lived in the village. That was all.

They were there for hours and night had fallen by the time everyone had been dealt with. They paid a swift visit to the hospital to see the more gravely hurt, before returning to their various homes.

Remus stumbled in the front door of the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, weary-limbed and sick at heart. No one was in the kitchen and, not having the stomach for food, he rooted about in the cupboards for a bottle of fire-whisky and took it up to the room he slept in with Sirius and Peter.

They were out as well, and as he poured the first burning glass of whisky down his throat he thanked any god that might be out there. Not that he considered it likely.

The second glass also went in one, and the third, and it was only when he got to the fourth that he began to sip rather than bolt.

He lit a cigarette and it burned down in his fingers as he thought about what he had seen, the many atrocities he had witnessed, all the people whose lives had been stolen from under their feet or brought to a vicious end.

He felt depersonalised, as though he himself was not real and neither were the events of the day, but as he remembered the slippery feel of blood under his hands and the cold skin of those for whom they were too late and the whisky wrought some sort of loosening, tears began to fall and he found himself unable to stop shivering.

Someone was rapping gently on the door - surely not Peter or Sirius or James, who would just bound in. Lily…?

It was Severus, the first time he had sought Remus out.

He entered, and stopped dead at the sight.

'I can come back,' he muttered.

'I'd like you to stay,' Remus said with an effort.

And so he did. He sat on the bed like a waxwork as Remus told him what had happened and how it had been, his face bloodless.

Finally Remus's terrible and halted narration came to a stuttering end.

'I am so sorry,' Severus said thickly.

'_You _don't have to be sorry.'

'But I do… these were my people. And sorry is nothing at all. But I am so so very sorry.'

Not knowing what had got into him, he took Remus's hand gently and squeezed.

'I can get you a potion for dreamless sleep,' he said.

'Please,' Remus said, stubbing out another cigarette and draining his glass of whisky.

Severus handed over the flask and left without saying anything more.  


* * *

  
Severus sat in the attic room, not doing anything. He knew he ought to be feeling a lot worse than he did.

He snatched up his wand and, almost angrily, said 'Expecto patronum.'

There was a gust of silver, a thick swirling cloud that looked almost to be coalescing into a recognisable form and yet not quite.

He had lost the annoyance with himself that failing to achieve a patronus always used to give him; instead, every time he tried to cast it, there was a little surge of excitement in the pit of his stomach as he wondered if this could be the time that he succeeded. His progress was steady enough to keep him interested in attaining the end now. It always used to be that trying the spell was enough to fill him with rage or despair.

This time, though, he struggled with the pleasure that he drew from his advancement. He should not be happy when the people with whom he had once been affiliated had committed yet another atrocity, and when his friend had had to deal with the consequences whilst he escaped having to look reality in the face. It could not quell this new feeling though. Somehow, he finally felt as though he had been detached from the Death Eaters and that now he was firmly anchored to their enemies.

His friend…

That was strange to him. He had not named his relationship to the werewolf before now. He had had no friends - at least, none in the way he understood the world at large generally considered normal - and so, being inexperienced and having no one else to explain to, had escaped labelling it. He had, however, decided that he enjoyed Lupin's company, and enjoyed teaching him and, in return, being taught.

He thought about the hairnets and in the quiet dark of the room he smiled and then began to laugh, even harder than he had with Remus until tears ran down his cheeks. He considered that if someone saw him, they would certainly conclude that he had gone mad and that made him laugh ever more.

When his laughter finally died away, he decided to check on his - _friend_. His friend.

He had assumed the werewolf would be asleep so he opened the door a crack without knocking and peered round it into the gloom.

A shadowy figure was sitting on the bed and the red coal of a cigarette flared and then died as he took a drag.

'I thought you would be asleep.'

'I don't want to - I don't want to escape it like that. I want - oh, I don't know. I've got a lot to think about. Do you want to come in?'

Severus cast a quick spell for light and then perched uncomfortably on Sirius's bed.

'Have some whisky? Oh shit. It's all gone. Severus, would you come out with me?'

'Out?'


	8. Chapter 8

Remus was too pissed to remember how it had happened that he was in a muggle bar with music blaring, a toxic-coloured drink in his hand, an unacceptably high number more in his belly, and Severus Snape.

Snape had taken off his robes, a concession to the environment, and in his high-necked, buttoned-up black shirt and black trousers he looked something like appropriate. It helped that the bar was a grimy rock pub with a huge selection on the jukebox.

Remus slipped a cigarette between lips vividly red from his drink and lit it with a sigh. All these people here, and none of them had any idea of his and Severus' daily life and their struggle to keep the world the way it is.

Sometimes Remus would wonder if the world was worth saving at such a price, when his friends were dying around him, but he was too sensible to imagine that Voldemort's country would be any better than being in this war that he had never wanted and the events of the day had confirmed it, if he had needed confirmation.

He shook his head like someone attempting to shoo off an irritating fly, sipped at his drink, grimaced, and dragged on his cigarette.

Severus was wondering what on earth had possessed him to come here. It was too noisy to speak properly, it was rammed with sweating bodies, and his drink tasted more evil than any potion he had ever consumed. Quite aside from that, escaping from the house appeared to have made Remus even more quiet and preoccupied.

He had underestimated the strange and fickle effects of alcohol.

Suddenly, as the music changed, Remus sprang to life. He spilt drink down himself but didn't notice.

'Ooh, I love this song!' he roared into Severus's ear, and bounced over to join the hordes of revellers.

Severus was listening closely to the lyrics as he watched Remus bop about with a silly grin on his face.

'You know I'm so wired up, I don't need any more tea in my cup?' he echoed softly, his brow furrowed.

Still, he understood the chorus, and despite all his rationalising, something about being in heaven when someone else smiled did strike a chord with an accuracy that made him crack a little smile of his own.

Remus was frantically beckoning at him to join him on the dance floor, eyes so wide and bright that before he knew it, his feet were carrying him over. His heart was beating terribly hard in his chest, making a thrumming in his ears that went some way to drowning out the music. He didn't know if he had ever danced before and he had a feeling it was not one of his talents but he felt as though he could not halt his progress even if he had wanted to. The strangest thing of all was that he wasn't sure if he did want to stop.

The music changed again, and Remus's eyes and smile grew even wider.

'I'm so glad we came out!' he bellowed.

Severus wasn't sure if he agreed, but he started to copy what all the other dancers were doing; moving about rhythmically, arms bent and going back and forth, head bobbing. The awkwardness seemed to ebb away though, watching Remus.

_He's rather good at this dancing. He must have practised._

He listened to the words of the song as they flowed out in a voice rich like dark chocolate, sweetly bitter and balanced by the light effortlessness of the guitars.

The words seemed so appropriate to what had happened tonight, he thought, and then stopped dancing for a moment, nonplussed.

_Now what on earth made you think that?_ he scolded, but his heart wasn't in it.

It was almost like he was the singer; he was the one who had wanted to see people who were young and alive, he had wanted some reaffirmation that life went on even when he shut himself up in a dingy attic room amongst musty ancient books.

Then the chorus came on and he looked at Remus whose eyes were closed, and his mind was full of things that made his heart start thudding again, and he felt exactly like the protagonist, gripped by a strange fear that meant he could never manage to take the chance, and he turned and walked out of the bar and leaned against a dank wall outside and breathed deep shaky breaths until he had regained control and put up his barriers once more.

When the last note had died away and Remus opened his eyes, he felt strange. He felt stranger seeing Snape had disappeared. He polished off his snakebite and black, shuddered, and went in search of him.

He found him outside. He did not look angry or bad tempered – he looked shocked.

'Who was that song by?' he asked in a totally un-Snapeish voice.

'The Smiths,' Remus replied wonderingly. 'Did you like it?'

'Like it? I – I - I didn't know…'

'Seems kind of – _hic_ - appropriate, doesn't it?' Remus asked, and Severus started. 'I mean, all that – _hic _- stuff, ten ton buses killing us and that. Obviously not a ten ton bus, but… I suppose – _hic_ - it's different; he's only imagining the death, whereas we're pretty much – _hic_ - rammed up against it.'

'You're drunk,' Snape said coldly, his face hidden in the shadows. 'We should return.'

They took a taxicab back. Snape shivered as they went under an underpass, but Remus was asleep and snoring extravagantly, an unlit cigarette clutched in his hand. When they arrived, he had to be manhandled out of the taxi.

'I had a good time,' Remus said, slurring his words dreamily as he looked up at the sky. 'Did you?'

'Yes,' Severus said shortly.

Unexpectedly, the werewolf flung his arms around Snape's neck.

'I'm sorry I'm so drunk,' he said, 'but it was good to be out of the house… with you. It was good. I like going out with you, Serevus. Sorry. Se-ve-rus. That's it.'

Remus's breath was hot and alcoholic against his face, but Severus breathed it in with eyes tightly closed. The werewolf loosened his grip but seemed to have no intention of letting go as he maundered on about the stars, Morrissey, alcohol, and various other entirely unconnected topics.

'You ought to be in bed,' Snape interrupted finally.

The arms left his shoulders but before he could head up to the house, they snaked about his waist.

'I don't know if you know,' Remus began, his words tripping over themselves like a drunk's feet, 'but I like, well, I like men. A man.'

He brushed a snowflake of a kiss on Severus's pale cheek, his face lingering there and his voice very low:

'I thought you ought to know.' And then, 'Right! Bedtime!' and the arms and the kiss vanished, giving Snape no time to say or do anything if he had wanted to. 'I'll be sorry in the morning. In fact, I'm sorry now, Serev – fuck. You. I'm sorry. Shouldn't kiss people when they don't want it. Shouldn't kiss people when I'm drunk. Certainly shouldn't kiss you, goodness me, you wouldn't like it at all. Sorry.'

He marched unsteadily up to the house, leaving Severus staring in his wake.  


* * *

When Remus woke up early next morning the sun shining in his eyes, he felt like he could be being crucioed by the Dark Lord himself. He groaned, and then wished he hadn't, because it seemed to have shaken up his guts in a very bad way indeed.

Although it was the very last thing he wanted to do, he had to get up, and fast. He raced to the bathroom, urgency giving strength to his trembling legs. He grasped the door handle, eyes half-closed with pain, his stomach loudly protesting and giving warning of what it intended to do.

Someone was in there. The door was locked.

His chest heaving, Remus turned and fled from the house into the garden, raced behind a tree by the stream and vomited loudly and copiously.

'Oh fuck,' he muttered, one hand on the tree trunk, the other clutching his troublesome abdomen.

He noticed he was still in his clothes, but it seemed entirely irrelevant compared to the throng of goblins that appeared to have taken up residence inside his head and were now hammering away, mining what felt like pieces of his brain.

'You stupid bloody idiot,' he said softly, and moaned.

Someone had come up behind him and he heard the tones of Severus Snape.

'My, my, Lupin. A little overindulgence last night?'

'Why on earth didn't you stop me?' Remus demanded, standing up too quickly and feeling so light headed that he thought he would fall. Severus caught his arm until he seemed to have re-established control over gravity and then let go as if he had been burned.

'I should have done,' Severus said neutrally. 'You were very drunk.' _Too drunk to remember much._

'Was I really,' Remus muttered darkly, passing a hand over his clammy forehead.

'I have made you a potion,' Severus said. He handed a goblet to Remus before turning and walking away to the house.

Remus sipped at the potion. It tasted so vile that he thought for a second he was going to be sick again, but he knew Severus's skill in brewing and so he tipped his head back and drank it down.

Its effect was almost instantaneous. A warm feeling spread through his limbs, his stomach was suddenly calm, his headache vanished as did the shaky feeling of being hungover. He was cured.

'Wow!' he said. 'Wow!'

A shower, a cup of tea and a cigarette later, he was feeling good. Most of the Order was out or away (although Sirius had had time to ask him where on earth he had been last night, and to raise his eyebrows at Remus's hasty explanation) but he thought he would go and see if Severus was about.

_I owe him an apology and thanks, and perhaps he'd like another Patronus lesson_, he thought.

And so he made two cups of tea and made the long trek up to the attic. It was very much easier sober.

'Severus,' he called through the door, 'I've brought you some tea.'

'Come in,' said his hasty, irritable voice, somewhat muffled, and Remus put down his tea awkwardly in the confined space and let himself in.

He took a cup over to Severus.

'So what are you up to?' he asked unsurely.

'Nothing,' Snape said defensively. The desk was covered in papers but a new quill lay pristinely free of ink on top of them, so _nothing_ may indeed have been the truth. 'Thank you for the tea.'

'Thank _you_ for the potion,' Remus replied with a beam. 'It's amazing! I wondered if I could have the recipe?'

'I'll make a copy of it.'

'Oh, I can do it; it's no trouble.'

'It's not that – it's handwritten, and my handwriting can be somewhat difficult to read. Accuracy is vital in potion brewing.'

Remus smiled. 'So did you invent it yourself as well, then?'

Snape nodded self-consciously. 'It was very simple,' he disparaged.

'I wanted to say sorry for last night, too,' Remus said. 'I know I was pretty smashed. I don't really remember an awful lot, but I'm back in one piece,' he started to blush, 'so thank you.'

Snape stared at him, half relieved and half disappointed, before realising he was supposed to say something.

'Oh.'

'I was glad to get away for a bit,' Remus confided. 'I feel like all I ever think about these days is Voldemort. I know it's important, but… Actually, I was wondering, if you're not busy, if you wanted another Patronus session?'

_He really doesn't remember what he said, and what he did_, Severus thought as he nodded assent. _Should I tell him? No. I can't. He just got carried away._

'I think that is a good idea.'

'Well, I'll be about… whenever you fancy…'

'Now is good. I should like to get this humiliation over with.'

'Severus, I - ' He was quelled by a glance. 'So, that bookcase there is a Dementor, right.'

Severus held his wand out and concentrated hard. '_Expecto patronum_.'

A silvery shape emanated from the wand and hung in the air for a few seconds before disappearing.

'Severus! That was pretty good!'

'It is about time I learned how to do it,' Snape muttered, but he looked pleased with himself all the same.

'I've heard boggarts are good to practice on. Next time we find one about, I'll catch it and keep it for you. Do you want another go?'

'_Expecto patronum_,' Snape said again, and again something ephemeral but definite appeared. It seemed to last a little longer before dissolving away like cigarette smoke.

'That was good but - you need something to practise on.'

Severus stood expressionless.

'I'll go boggart-hunting then, and leave you to – nothing,' Remus said with a smile that didn't quite uncrease a little frown that had appeared between his eyebrows. 'Well done again. It won't take long until you'll be able to hold off Dementors.'

'Oh – before you go,' Severus said suddenly. 'I was, er, wondering if perhaps you had any records by the Smiths?'

'Yeah,' Remus said, looking stunned. 'I'll bring them up.'

Severus heard his quick footsteps race down the stairs and then, after a short pause, race up again.

'The spell to make them play is _autoaudiologica_, with a flick like this,' Remus demonstrated, trying to catch his breath.

'Thank you. Which record has that song about lights never going out?'

'_The Queen is Dead_,' Remus said promptly. 'Did we hear that last night?'

_How on earth can he not remember?_

'Yes.'

'I'll be downstairs then,' Remus said inconsequentially, and left.

If he had stayed, he would have seen Snape despite his blank expression cast the best patronus he had ever done.


	9. Chapter 9

The Marauders minus Remus but plus Lily were in Sirius, Peter and Remus's room, sprawled over the beds and gossiping.

'So I heard Molly and Arthur are getting married,' Peter had said.

'There's not much point waiting til the war's over,' Sirius remarked. 'After all, we could be dead tomorrow.'

Lily grimaced. 'Thanks Sir.'

'Are you guys getting married anytime?' asked Peter innocently. Sirius guffawed, and James and Lily looked at each other.

'We might,' Lily conceded.

Sirius whooped a few times. 'We could do with a really amazing party. You should do it soon!'

'It's a big decision, and not something we would want to rush into,' James lectured him, making Sirius laugh.

'It's be the biggest mistake you ever made,' Peter told Lily mischievously, and she reached out and poked him, annoyed but not enough to get up.

'You should have a kid, that would be so cool,' Sirius told James straight-faced.

Remus chose that moment to enter the room.

'Re, Re!' Sirius said, shaking off his torpor and bounding over to him. 'James and Lil are going to get married and have the first Marauder baby!'

Remus's jaw dropped open and he stuttered for a moment before seeing James and Lily's matching annoyed faces and realised it was just Sirius jumping the gun, as usual.

'If and when it happens, it will be lovely,' he said evenly, regaining his composure and shoving James over so there was room on his bed.

'It will,' agreed James. He looked over at Peter and Sirius, and purposely avoided Lily. 'How are you feeling today?'

'I feel fine.'

'Either you were just pretending to be laced last night, or someone rather skilful made you a hangover potion,' Peter said pointedly.

'So where did you go last night?' James asked. The room felt tense.

'I went out to a club,' Remus told him, lighting a cigarette. 'I didn't want to stay in. Yesterday was - I had a bad day.'

'Did you go with Snape?' asked Sirius languidly from where he was reclining.

Remus was suspicious of this calm question.

'Yes, actually. It was lucky; I don't think I could have got home by myself.'

'You didn't ought to drink so much,' Lily told him.

'I didn't mean to, I just - do you know where I went yesterday? Before?'

'Yes,' she said softly.

'Well then. And I'm glad I went out; I had a good time.'

'Did Severus?' she asked.

'I don't know. He seems a bit off today. I hope I didn't say anything bad.'

'Come on Re,' said Sirius, 'you wouldn't say anything bad.'

'I must have done _something_,' he said, more to himself than anyone else.

'Don't worry about it Re,' said James.

'Yeah, it's blatantly Snape just having one of his off-days,' Sirius told him.

Remus looked at him narrowly but it did not appear that his friend was going to indulge in some Snape-baiting right at that minute.

'I'm surprised though,' said Peter, 'because he seems to like you. At least, he's nicer to you than I thought he could ever be to anyone. He hasn't hexed you once, has he?'

'No. He's a good friend to me,' said Remus, and saw in his peripheral vision Sirius roll his eyes. 'What?'

'He's _extremely _friendly to you, isn't he?' Sirius said, in an exasperated tone.

'I wouldn't say - not - I don't think it's extreme!'

'Oh well,' James said, 'As long as you're getting on alright and he's shown no signs of planning to curse you or anything.'

'Definitely not,' Remus told him.

'And of course you're getting lots of lovely potions lessons,' said Lily teasingly.

'They're very useful.'

'An enjoyable way to pass the time, I would think,' said James.

'Well - yes, I suppose so.'

'Does Snape find them enjoyable too, I wonder?' asked Peter innocently.

Remus looked round suspiciously but the others' faces were completely straight.

'I hope Severus enjoys himself,' he told them, 'but I really couldn't say for sure.'

Sirius opened his mouth to say something then closed it again.

'He likes you, Remus,' Lily said. 'I'm sure of it. He wouldn't help you out like that if he didn't want to.'

'Do you think? Because sometimes I think _yes, we get on so well, we're becoming friends, _but then other times… like today…' his voice trailed off as he realised the eagerness of his tone.

'He's a weirdo and I'm not saying he's not a complete psychopath, but he's obviously got good judgment,' Peter said bluntly. 'He likes you.'

Sirius and James murmured assent, though apparently rather against their collective will.

Remus's lips twitched but he told himself furiously not to smile, there was no doubt some sting in the tail awaiting him. But the silence hung as the moments stretched out and he could hear the birds singing outside. He allowed himself a little grin.

'It's all got a bit strange in here all of a sudden,' Sirius remarked with an eyebrow raised at Remus.

'Tell me about these wedding plans of yours,' Remus said hurriedly to James and Lily, but now was not the time. The door burst open and Snape stood panting on the threshold, his face unnaturally white.

'Remus, I've just been speaking to the Headmaster; he needs you to go out again. He didn't have time to tell you himself, he's off to Hogwarts.'

'What's happened?'

'The Dark Lord has called some sort of meeting of the werewolves… I think it's for some sort of test of loyalty, he told me only to tell werewolves who I trusted to go along. I think he might tell you something, ah, noteworthy, or ask you to perform some sort of ordeal.'

'Where?'

'Inside the Hogwarts grounds! That's why Dumbledore had to go, he thinks that the Dark Lord may ask your pack to attack the school.'

Remus was already pulling on his shoes. He stood up and threw his cloak around his shoulders.

'Do you know where exactly?' he asked. 'Should I apparate right to the border of the grounds? Whereabouts?'

'I know the place. I'll apparate you there.'

Sirius and James exchanged dark glances, but Remus had already taken Snape's hand, and Snape had turned on the spot, and they were gone.

* * *

They arrived, and Remus dropped Snape's hand.

They were in the Forbidden Forest. It was quiet, only birdsong disturbing the silence, the occasional persistent finger of sunlight finding its way to the forest floor.

'I cannot come with you,' Snape said softly. 'But I was informed that the meeting place was on the fringe of the Forest, close to the Whomping Willow.' He pointed.

Remus nodded and walked away. He felt the castle's magical wards slip over him like a shiver. He turned back once to see Severus, but he had vanished.

Snape had not left. The Forest filled him with unease, a lifetime of betrayal leaving him unable to take things as they seemed. The quietness, the dark. The sense that any moment a hidden footstep could snap a twig, leave him whirling and fumbling for his wand. Menace seemed to hide behind every tree. He was not safe here. He was not safe anywhere…

His mind was filled with all the treachery and hurts of his life. He sank to the floor, buried his head in his hands, every cruelty he had received and every one he had dealt out. The people he had murdered. The screams and pleads he had ignored or laughed at. The torment of his schooldays. Numerous taunts. Rejections. His mind was hazy with pain but something nagged away at him.

He was shocked out of his reverie by the appearance of Remus's patronus, a silvery cat.

'Help,' it said, and vanished.

_Of course_. He sat up. _Dementors_.

He hurtled off in the direction he had sent Lupin, blind with panic but just about managing to avoid the trees that loomed through the perpetual twilight to knock him off his feet.

He ran towards the clearing he had directed Lupin to. He gazed about wildly. _Where was he?_

There were bodies.

He almost stumbled over one before wheeling back to light his wand and stare at their dead face.

_Not dead. Kissed. _Eyes open, chest rising and falling, cheeks pink, but no life, no soul, no remnant of the person who had inhabited this shell. He choked back nausea and ran on. The person, he knew her. A werewolf.

He found Lupin in a grassy circle surrounded by trees. He was supine. His eyes were closed. Snape ran to him.

The Dementors circled closer. Remus carried on breathing deeply, face pale. He would not wake, and Severus was alone.

He tried and tried to cast his patronus, concentrating as hard as he could but over and again it failed, shimmers of silver his only reward.

He drew in another sobbing breath. He could feel his strength fail as the memories of a life not happily lived began to overwhelm him. He sank to his knees, feeling his frightened heartbeat that hammered in his ears begin to slow.

_I didn't want to die like this_, he thought as his hand sought the vial of release from around his neck. _I didn't want to die on my knees at the hands of the Dementors._

He fell forwards onto his hands, his wand still clasped uncomfortably in one muddy hand. He could barely think now, the Dementors were so close, and there were so many of them.

His vision was failing, but he saw the still body of his companion lying on the tree roots and earth and inspiration struck him. Knowing that two lives depended on it, he lifted his head and thought of the night when Lupin - Remus - was drunk.

He picked up Remus's cold lifeless hand, his own shaking as he brought it palm upwards to his mouth and kissed it softly.

'I think you meant me,' he said.

A strange sort of shudder ran through him and the patronus that he created with this new recollection was so bright and dazzling that though he squinted, he could not see it clearly. His vision began to grown dark and he let himself collapse to the floor as the Dementors were scattered all around him.


	10. Chapter 10

Here it is, the final chapter. Thank you all for sticking with this. I hope this is satisfactory (endings are much more difficult than beginnings). Constructive criticism is, as always, appreciated.

* * *

He woke up with the new day the next morning, watery rays of sunshine filtering through the cracks in the curtains to burn at his eyes. He looked around. Hogwarts infirmary.

There was someone in the bed next to him and he got to his shaky feet to see if it was Remus.

Tousled brown hair already with grey in it was visible at the top of the blanket and a pale foot was hanging out the side and Severus knew it was him. From the haphazard manner in which the werewolf was sleeping, he decided that he had in fact not been Kissed or killed and was simply sleeping off his injuries.

With a sigh of content, he got back into his own bed and laid his head on the cool pillow.

* * *

The next thing he knew, the sun was high in the sky and Madam Pomfrey wanted him to eat a chocolate feast to fight off any lingering ill-effects.

Taking a bite of toast with chocolate spread and making a desultory attempt to hide his enjoyment, he proceeded to quiz Madam Pomfrey about the whereabouts of her other patient, his welfare, his state of mind and whether he had eaten any chocolate as yet.

She answered a few of his questions with a wondering look in her eye but finally shook her head.

'Away with you, I said he's in the bath, he won't be long and I've got things to do.'

She said it kindly but Snape still looked daggers at her as she walked away.

He waited impatiently, choking down his glut of cocoa products until, slightly nauseous and all the more bad-tempered for that, he got up and hammered on the bathroom door. He could hear faint splashy noises behind it which stopped as Remus spoke.

'I'm alright Poppy; I'll be out soon.'

'It is I,' said Severus, and then felt like a fool.

'Oh, er, Severus. Did you want to use the bathroom? There's another one down the passage…'

'No, I wished to assure myself of your wellbeing. I am assured.'

'I'm fine. I ate more chocolate than I've ever managed in a single sitting and now I feel quite alright.'

Severus nodded, realised he could not be seen, and then got confused as to what to say.

'I understand,' came the voice from behind the door, 'that I owe you my life. Thank you.'

'You are most welcome,' Severus said stiffly.

'Well,' there came an enormous wallowing noise, 'thanks all the same. I heard there were hundreds of Dementors and you got rid of them all.' Footsteps were slapping around on the tiles. 'Good timing for mastering the patronus!'

'Thank you,' Severus said.

'Have you eaten all your chocolate?'

He smiled, invisibly of course. 'Yes.'

'Good! I reckon you must be about ready for a bath as well then, though someone must have done a cleaning spell on us; I'm pretty sure I was filthy last night. There's nothing like a bath to aid the recovery process.'

The door swung open suddenly and Severus was confronted by a flushed werewolf in a white dressing gown, a couple of scratches adorning his face but accompanied by a twinkle worthy of the headmaster.

'I only hope that one day my potion-brewing can be as helpful to you, Severus! So how did you do it?' he asked, steam creeping out from behind him.

'How did I…'

'Cast the patronus?'

The werewolf felt ashamed of his curiosity as he saw Severus blush scarlet.

'You don't have to tell me,' he said quickly, and seemed to realise his own dishevelled state. He reached up and flattened his wet hair automatically.

'Poppy said there were others there,' he said.

'There were, a few,' said Snape, and the infirmary was invaded by the metaphorical ghosts of the soulless werewolves. The tension that seemed to pull him towards Lupin slackened and though he breathed easier he felt wrenched loose from it, safely isolated.

'I don't know how something like that could happen,' Remus said.

'The Dark Lord - he gives you everything you could wish for, but a second later he will take it all back, and demand payment. He makes plans that no one is privy to. He does whatever he chooses, Lupin, I thought you realised that.'

'You're right,' said Remus, and he turned away. 'What happened to them?'

'I don't know,' Snape said as he stared at the back of Remus's head for a fleeting second before the werewolf shut the bathroom door once more.

* * *

As the day continued, they did not speak much. Remus tried to open conversations with Severus, but he was tongue-tied and could only manage single word answers. All he could think about was what had happened before he had collapsed onto the forest floor, and sickening tendrils of shame consumed him. He could not meet Remus's eyes without blushing.

Madam Pomfrey discharged them both from her infirmary later that day and they made their way back to headquarters together, walking in silence through the Forbidden Forest down past the limits of the wards before apparating separately back.

They were walking towards the house, side by side, and had reached the front gate when Severus reached out and grasped Remus by his wrist, making him jump.

'Lupin,' he said urgently, 'you must not tell the Order what has happened.'

'But why? You saved my life! Don't you want people to know that?'

'I would prefer - that they did not.'

'I don't understand you, Severus,' Remus said. He stopped walking and faced him; he looked tired and confused.

'Can you not just - why must you tell them everything? I do not…'

'What is it?'

In truth Snape did not altogether know himself, but he could not bear the idea of Lupin sharing the events of the evening with his mocking, hostile friends. Already the shining moment was fading, tarnished with guilt and embarrassment, and he wanted to escape to the attic and know that no one would think any differently of him when he finally emerged.

'Don't tell them.'

'What's going on?

'Lupin, I -'

He stopped and looked down at the grass.

'What really happened?'

Snape breathed in and out in a moment that seemed to last hours.

'How did you cast that Patronus? Why have you been so strange all day, Severus? Aren't you - well, I know it's wrong, with what happened, but still, aren't you pleased? You cast a Patronus, you saved us! Something else must have happened!'

'Remus, please -'

'What did you do that let you cast the Patronus?' Remus's voice was gentle. The use of his given name, the sight of his friend pleading melted his heart, but hope was building in him and he could not let the matter rest.

'I suppose I ought to tell you, because it involves you,' Snape said in a low voice.

He looked up daringly to see the werewolf's reaction and continued.

'It was - remarkable. I have been happy before but I've never experienced such a - an intense - there are things in the world that I did not know about, but now I know about them, well… I have to… '

Remus had such a funny look on his face that he dropped his gaze so that his face was hidden but he was visibly trembling and he looked strangely defeated, defenceless like a hermit crab out of its shell. His voice shook as well, and Remus would have stopped him out of kindness but he wanted awfully to hear what he had to say.

'I love you, and I kissed you. I'm sorry.'

He still could not bring himself to even risk meeting Remus's eyes, but a cold hand found one of his and gave him the courage and he let brought his face up so that he could see.

The werewolf was positively glowing.

'Are you pleased?' Severus muttered, looking so unsure of himself that Remus was almost frightened by the havoc he seemed to have unknowingly - well, unintentionally - wrought and could only think of one course of action.

He kissed him.

* * *

Later that evening, they were back in their attic, brewing potion. It was the same as before and yet different. Every now and then their eyes would meet or their hands would touch and they would blush, and laugh. They were mostly silent but the quiet was entirely warm and peaceable.

Remus had had a weight taken from his mind. When he and Severus had finally made it into the house, he took a detour to his friends' room and announced his safe return and, nervously, the turn his relationship with Severus had taken. He was not expecting the reaction he got; true, there were not whoops of joy, or cheers, but Lily's face lit up and she gave James a jubilant kiss. Peter tipped Remus a wink, and Sirius shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes, and then got to his feet and gave Remus a hug. They had asked a few questions which Remus had answered politely but, clearly, itching with impatience to make his way upstairs.

The potion needed to cool and so with Severus's permission, Remus transfigured the chairs into a sofa and they sat together, Snape still anxious and unsure but capable of being calmed into affection.

'Can I ask you something?' Remus said, and Severus assented. 'Did you see your Patronus?'

'No.'

'Show me - show me how.' Remus looked apprehensive.

He needn't have worried. Severus took one of his hands and brought it to his lips. He brushed a dry kiss on the palm and then, still holding the hand, he waved his wand and murmured the words and an effortless silver creature burst from his wand once more.

Remus turned a delighted face towards him.

'It's a -'

'I can see what it is,' replied Severus, who was amused and gratified at the response to his new skill though doing his best to hide it, and far more interested in the living, breathing person beside him than the silver phantom he had conjured.

* * *

That evening, for the first time ever, Severus Snape burnt a potion.


End file.
